Is Jeff Lynne your favourite Travelling Wilbury? Don't you just wish you would hear Chris Rea's 'Let's Dance' just once an actual dance floor? Do you wish that James Taylor was your real Dad? Meet FEMBOTanist!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Not the Pearl Jam album.

One of the most treasured volumes in our family bookcase is our copy of Vitalogy, an ‘encyclopedia of health and home’. Inherited from our grandpa and written in 1927, this book has provided the Lewis family with a plethora of modern medical advice over the years, curing both father of his recurring gout and mother of her gathered and inflamed breasts. As children growing up with this book, Amy and I soon began to appreciate our spirit vapour bathes followed swiftly by our ice-cold enemas as cold as the Baltic Sea.

You know a book is going to be great when Chapter One is entitled ‘DISEASES OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN’. But it doesn't end there. Once you’ve glanced over diseases of the weaker sub-members of society, you can move straight onto ‘MENTAL THERAPEUTICS, MAGNETISM, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE, PALMISTRY AND MIND CULTURE.

Gordon Lewis, this book means so much more than any stolen books from Essendon Library ever could.

Here are a few highlights, so best get your pen and paper ready. These are directly from the book - no editing, no shit.

PARENTS MAY REGULATE THE SEX OF THE CHILD AT WILL.

Every intelligent person who has kept up with the modern advance in scientific and pactical discovery knows that it has been proven beyond any reasonable doubt that all parents posses the power to regulate the sex of the coming children at their pleasure. Ever since the time of Jacob, the son of Abraham……and it goes on.

CONSECRATED BY THE TIES OF PARENTAGE.
When the loving wife ripens into maternity under the chaste and tender influences of her husband’s embraces, she is not only fulfilling the ends of Nature and the law of God, but she is adding another and equally essential constituent to the home.

HYSTERICS

This affliction generally occurs in women between the ages of twelve and forty-five, and is more frequent at menstrual periods than at other times.
Causes – The present cruel method of bringing up young ladies favours their development of this disease by rendering the whole system delicate and nervous. Hot rooms, unnatural confinement in schools, crowding of the intellect to neglect the body, solitary vice and novel reading are among the many causes of this disease.


SELF POLLUTION
The foregoing article on self-abuse should be in the hands of every young person as it would be the means of saving many bright intellects from becoming stupid or imbeciles, or lunatics from filling premature graves and be worth to them more than Astor’s millions.

BEFORE PERSONAL VICE




AFTER PERSONAL VICE




"If this young man escapes the asylum, he and his parents will be fortunate."

For gods sake people - he’s still wearing a bow tie! In 2006, our parents could only dream that we turn out that well.

There are 1004 pages in this book, I shit you not. Next time, we are going to learn more about Phrenology, and how phrenological analysis (in conjunction with your parents advice, of course) can help you to choose the correct partner.

In the meantime, I’m just going to slip off to dab a little squirrel corn on my secondary syphilis.

Excuse me.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home