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Friday, May 12, 2006

Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade....



I've been thinking about the music that I like lately, and wondering how to define my taste. Not satisfied with anything I could come up with myself, I have turned to the Internet to tell me what I think.

Websites such as Pandora claim to be able to come up with a list of songs that I will love by simply knowing my favourite song. However, faster than I could type 'Lets dance' by Chris Rea into the search engine,'goodbye my lover' by Softcock Rocker James Bl(c)unt began playing. Sometimes I wonder if ANYONE understands the mind of a regular 24 year old female Chris Rea fan in the year 2006.

Pandora don't freakin' know me, man... but then, I may have been to paradise, but have I ever been to ME?

Its funny - Sometimes you just like everything that one artist produces because you like what they've done in the past, or just really like the artist for the person she or he is. I could just end this here and let this post degenerate into some fan fiction about being called up on to stage by James Taylor but I can't get on stage because of my wheelchair and then I like, get out from my wheelchair and then, like sit at the piano and then my plastered arms start cracking down the sides and then I like, spontaneously burst into "How sweet it is" whilst the whole audience rise to their feet and clap as one and then James Taylor lifts me up high above his head and holds me in his big strong father figure arms and then he falls to his knees and starts singing "you've got a friend" and then my parents walk back onto stage and like, get married again but then, like, James Taylor IS my dad... but I digress.

What I really want is to know why I like certain songs that in my opinion are musically perfect, yet are lyrically shithouse.

Example 1 (and possibly the finest song in existence)
Something got me started - Simply Red.

Mick Hucknall, you rock my world. You are more unattractive than Phil Collins and you hair is as red as the fires of Mordor, yet you are a successful, popular musician. Kudos for that alone. This song is a song to dance to... no matter how many times they remind me that this isn't King Street, I’m not wearing black stockings with a black dress and it isn't 1991. The only reason why this song hasn't remained at number one for the last fifteen years is that the lyrics are fucking SHITHOUSE.

Example 2 - Some like it Hot - Robert Palmer/PowerStation


Combing the worlds of Robert Palmer and John and Andy Taylor from Duran Duran, this song is full on fucken unreal. Driving alone is a pleasure with this song pumping. I love it so much, I turn it up loud and simultaneously indulge in constant drum solos, lyric screaming, toe tapping and operating heavy machinery.

If only they could have come up with alternative lyrics to
"We want to multiply, are you gonna do it?
I know you qualify, are you gonna do it?
Don't be so circumscribe, are you gonna do it?
Just get yourself untied, are you gonna do it?


Why do I feel like a middle aged pornographer when I listen to this song? Because the lyrics are SHITHOUSE.

Whilst on the topic of songs, isn't it amazing how even the best artists with plenty of great songs manage to produce an absolute stinker that everybody hates? Most often these are the political/historical songs that popular artists write for movie soundtracks, but sometimes they are completely random and therefore totally inexcusable. Think 'Twisting by the pool' by Dire Straits. Released at a time when Mark Knoffler could fart on a chocolate cake, press it into the shape of a record and still make number 1, this song came along just so we had to get up and press 'skip' whilst listening to 'Money for nothing'' on dads new CD player in 1988 (time I could have spent as a seven year old sending my underwear to Iva Davies of ‘Icehouse’.

Well, I would love to write more, but I’m off to listen to the Lewis Family theme song, that - you guessed it – is the only song in all the history of the world that is both musically AND LYRICALLY perfect. Enjoy.

I was a highwayman. Along the coach roads I did ride
With sword and pistol by my side
Many a young maid lost her baubles to my trade
Many a soldier shed his lifeblood on my blade
The bastards hung me in the spring of twenty-five
But I am still alive.

I was a sailor. I was born upon the tide
And with the sea I did abide.
I sailed a schooner round the Horn to Mexico
I went aloft and furled the mainsail in a blow
And when the yards broke off they said that I got killed
But I am living still.

I was a dam builder across the river deep and wide
Where steel and water did collide
A place called Boulder on the wild Colorado
I slipped and fell into the wet concrete below
They buried me in that great tomb that knows no sound
But I am still around..I'll always be around..and around and around and around and around

I fly a starship across the Universe divide
And when I reach the other side
I'll find a place to rest my spirit if I can
Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain
And I'll be back again, and again and again and again and again

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