The Mr McGregor Saga.

Me? I like the simple things. After a long days toil in the salt mines, there’s nothing I like better than slipping on a pair of flesh-coloured size 20 tracksuit pants and sitting down to a piping hot cup of ‘shut the fuck up’.

In these rare moments of leisure (I’m currently down to a crippling seventy or so hours of relaxation time per week these days, what with uni and all), there are several pastimes that I thoroughly enjoy.

Short of being the solo witness to an air disaster that occurs just outside my window resulting in me providing a chilling blow by blow description to Today Tonight about the fast depressurising 747 fuselage burning up as it impacts with a passing Zeppelin from Nazi Germany that also crashes to the ground in a Hydrogen fuelled, terrifyingly luminous corpse fire (or something), there’s nothing I like better than popping one of my all time favourites into the DVD player and letting the grey matter drip out of my ears. This is a DVD that will take me to only one man.

That man can only be one man - The Man From Snowy River.

You know a DVD will be great when on the box is the disclaimer: This product has been made for TV and therefore contains edited ad breaks.

The Man From Snowy River, the McGregor Saga is set in the fictional country town of Patterson’s Ridge. The series was produced in Victoria in 1993 on a tight acting budget (and even tighter script writing budget). Amy and I walked through the film set on grade six camp, and therefore decided it was our job to support the show when it made it to TV. So at 7.30pm every Sunday night, we put the cassette deck recording of our weekly Pet Shop Boys radio tribute show on hold and got ready for some Snowy River action, 1893 style.

Before I go on, I should let you know something.

In Patterson’s Ridge, one man is the law.

His name is McGregor.

Matt McGregor.

Nobody gets my fires burning like Matt McGregor, played by the incomparable Andrew Clarke.

Liked him as the dad in ‘The New Adventures of Skippy’? You’ll simply LOVE him as The Man from Snowy River.

As if he wasn’t enough eye candy for one prepubescent, undersexed tweenager to bask in, Clarke was flanked by Guy Pearce, Brett Climo AND Josh Lucas. All four of them on screen at once? I nearly jizzed in my pants (red gangsta cross colours, matched with a mustard ‘ya dig’ skivvy, if my memory of 1993 serves me correctly).

Please, Don’t get me wrong - the entire show is shit in every conceivable way. However, if I wanted intellectual stimulation, I would retire to my room with my father’s pipe,London Review of Books folded under arm, wanking claw at the ready.

Snowy River is enjoyable on every perplexing level imaginable. You can let your mind boggle at the scripts full of good ol’ fashioned family values, develop nausea from the editing and continuity issues, or simply enjoy the fact that no matter what happens in Patterson’s Ridge, everything seems to be wrapped up in a neat little package by Matt McGregor himself at the end of each episode.

In any given episode, the following elements will always occur.

1. If a new character enters scene looking a little shifty or a little mysterious, It is guaranteed that by the end of the episode, that character will have been kicked in the face by McGregor with a stirruped foot, from nothing but the finest horse in the district*.

2. If a family of foreigners moves into town, they will be initially persecuted by local farmers and schoolchildren alike. Racial tensions will culminate at either the pub or general store, before a member of the McGregor family steps in and stands up for the newcomers, resulting in the community feeling shame and then acceptance of the strangers. This will inevitably be followed by the new family having a wholesome dinner at Langara (the McGregor’s property). This meal will be prepared by Collette Mann, with that girl from Round the Twist pouring gravy. Mrs. O’Neil will be in attendance, but will NEVER stay the night.

3. Any horse in the district deemed ‘untameable’ will be tamed by Mr McGregor in front of the entire town. However, this will only occur after both his sons and only daughter (most likely disguised as a man to avoid creating a town scandal) give it a red-hot go.

4. Sexual tension will be rife between Victoria Blackwood and McGregor’s son Rob (Guy Pearce), despite the fact that her father is the richest, most evil man in Patterson’s Ridge. Many delightful misunderstandings and coincidences will arise resulting in the two spending plenty of time together unchaperoned in long underwear beside the river.

5. Stampedes and avalanches can be caused by the firing of a single bullet, and be graphically represented by stock footage from 1972.

6. Aboriginal characters will pass in and out of town, never staying for more than one episode. The Aboriginal people will speak English at all times, even when alone and amongst only other Aboriginal people. All Aboriginal people will have surnames like ‘Possum’ and ‘Wombat’. Before they leave town, Matt McGregor will again state his offer for them to make camp on his land “anytime”.

Oh, I could go on. A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters typing for a million years couldn’t summarise this fine example of Australian television history sufficiently. Sometimes I don’t even know why I love it so much… I guess it was just a time and place in my life that could only be filled by Andrew Clarke's Akubra.

Now don’t be mistaken – I don’t have father issues. I just think I would feel so safe and secure in Matt McGregor’s big strong arms…but I digress.

If you’re looking to fill a spare weekend (and have a spare $17) go down to JB HIFI, buy season one and join me in Patterson’s Ridge – you won’t regret it. I've just finished season one and two, so for now, its back to staring out the balcony window, waiting for planes to fall from the sky.


*Health Warning. If you decide to play a drinking game whereby participants drink every time McGregor kicks someone in the face whilst on horseback, prearrange your ambulance and consult you mortician.