Keeping up appearances - A guide for classy supermarket shopping.

1. When you wish to purchase embarrassing foods to be eaten alone at home on a Monday night, it is always best to purchase a party sized quantity to throw the cashier off the scent. Instead of looking like a sad individual who will later be sitting on her bed eating cocktail frankfurts for dinner and watching Twin Peaks on DVD, it looks like you might be on your way to a children’s party. Buy at least half a kilo. Sure - you’ll be eating them for the next three nights but at least it only cost $2.47 for three meals.

2. After you have collected your cocktails franks, proceed directly to the health food isle. Look at a bag of dried apricots, checking to see if they’ve been preserved with Sulfur dioxide. See that they have, and decide to leave them in order to avoid extreme flatulence later, as if cocktail franks aren’t made of ground up puppies and Sulfur dioxide.

3. Proceed directly to lolly isle and collect a catering-sized quantity of Lindt chocolate with hazelnuts. Don’t forget that low fat bag of marshmallows.

4. Realise you’ve been dehydrated for the last five days and rectify the situation by proceeding to the soft drink isle and grabbing a 1.25L bottle of Coca Cola.

5. Walk directly past toilet roll isle, even though there is approximately half a sheet left at home on the roll.

6. Oooooh! Reduced to clear, close to expiration date Big M’s!!!

7. Proceed to checkout in haze of self-disgust.

8. Drive home staring into middle distance.